It’s the same fight, over and over again.
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Partner A (Neurotypical): “You hurt my feelings when you walked away while I was crying.”
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Partner B (Autistic): “I didn’t walk away because I don’t care. I walked away because you said you wanted space earlier, and I was respecting that rule.”
Partner A feels abandoned. Partner B feels confused and unjustly accused. Partner A thinks, “He lacks empathy.” Partner B thinks, “She is irrational and inconsistent.”
If this dynamic sounds painfully familiar, your relationship isn’t broken. It is suffering from a cross-cultural communication breakdown known as The Double Empathy Problem.
For decades, relationship counseling for neurodiverse couples (where one partner is Autistic/ADHD and the other is not) has been biased. It assumed that the Autistic partner had a “social deficit” and needed to be taught how to act neurotypical. But new research has flipped this script entirely.
This article explores why the “deficit” model is wrong, what the Double Empathy Problem actually is, and how North Carolina couples can stop fighting their neurology and start translating their love.
The Myth of the “Empathy Deficit”
The old medical model of Autism claimed that autistic people lacked “Theory of Mind”—the ability to imagine what another person is thinking or feeling. This led to the damaging stereotype that autistic partners are cold, robotic, or uncaring.
This is false.
In 2012, researcher Dr. Damian Milton proposed the Double Empathy Problem. His theory, now backed by extensive studies, posits that:
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Autistic people understand other Autistic people perfectly well.
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Neurotypical people understand other Neurotypical people perfectly well.
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The breakdown only happens when the two groups try to communicate with each other.
It is not a deficit on one side; it is a mismatch between two valid communication styles.
Think of it like PC vs. Mac. neither operating system is “broken,” but if you try to run a Mac program on a PC without an emulator, it will crash. In your relationship, you are crashing because you are judging your partner’s “software” by your own operating system’s rules.
The Two Languages: Implied vs. Literal
The most common source of Double Empathy friction is the clash between High Context (Neurotypical) and Low Context (Autistic) communication.
The Neurotypical Style (High Context)
Neurotypical communication relies heavily on subtext.
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Tone of voice
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Facial expressions
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“Reading between the lines”
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Social hints
If a Neurotypical partner says, “The trash is getting really full,” they aren’t just stating a fact. They are implying a request: “Please take the trash out.”
The Autistic Style (Low Context)
Autistic communication is literal and informational.
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Words mean exactly what they say.
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Honesty is prioritized over social comfort.
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Requests must be explicit.
If an Autistic partner hears, “The trash is getting really full,” they process it as a data point. They might reply, “Yes, it is,” and keep working. They aren’t being lazy or passive-aggressive. They simply didn’t receive a request because no request was verbally made.
The “Uncanny Valley” of Emotional Expression
Another layer of the Double Empathy Problem involves how we show emotion.
Neurotypical partners often expect Reciprocal Emotional Mirroring. If they are sad, they expect their partner to look sad, make eye contact, and offer physical comfort.
However, many neurodivergent people experience Autistic Empathy, which can look different:
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Solution-Oriented Empathy: “You are sad. I will fix the problem so you stop being sad.” (Often read by partners as cold or dismissing).
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Parallel Empathy: “I am feeling your pain so intensely that I am shutting down/going non-speaking to prevent a meltdown.” (Often read by partners as abandonment).
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Info-Dumping: “You are sad. I will tell you a story about a time I was sad to show you I understand.” (Often read by partners as making it about themselves).
When a Neurotypical partner cries and the Autistic partner freezes, it’s not a lack of feeling. It’s often an excess of feeling that has short-circuited their ability to perform the expected social script.
Navigating the “Truth” Trap
“Why are you so brutal?”
Neurodivergent partners value accuracy. In an argument, if Partner A says, “You always ignore me,” Partner B might immediately correct them: “That is false. I listened to you yesterday at 4:00 PM.”
To the Neurotypical partner, this feels like pedantic deflection. To the Autistic partner, the generalization (“always”) is a lie, and they cannot process the emotional sentiment until the data is corrected.
This is the Double Empathy Problem in action:
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NT Goal: Validate the feeling (“I feel ignored”).
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ND Goal: Validate the facts (“Let’s establish the accuracy of the claim”).
Strategies to Bridge the Gap
Repairing a relationship affected by the Double Empathy Problem requires both partners to do the work. It is not about “fixing” the Autistic partner. It is about building a shared “Third Language.”
1. Ditch the Hints (The 100% Rule)
If you want something, ask for it. Explicitly.
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Instead of: “Wow, the kitchen is a mess.”
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Try: “I am feeling overwhelmed by the mess. Will you please load the dishwasher in the next 30 minutes?”
2. Translate the Silence
If your neurodivergent partner goes quiet or looks blank during a fight, assume Overwhelm, not Apathy.
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Affirming Script: “I see you’ve gone quiet. Are you processing, or are you in shutdown? Do we need to switch to texting?”
3. Redefine “Listening”
Eye contact is not required for listening. In fact, for many ADHDers and Autistics, looking at your face reduces their ability to hear your words because visual processing takes up too much bandwidth. Allow your partner to fidget, look away, or pace while you talk. Ask: “Are you with me?” rather than “Look at me.”
4. Validate the Intent, Not the Impact
When a miscommunication happens, pause and ask:
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“I heard X. Did you mean X?”
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“I felt hurt when you said that. I know you didn’t intend to hurt me, so can you help me understand what you meant?”
Conclusion: From Conflict to Curiosity
The Double Empathy Problem teaches us that there is no “default” human setting. Your Autistic partner’s directness is not rude; it’s efficient. Your Neurotypical partner’s need for emotional reassurance is not needy; it’s connective.
When we stop pathologizing these differences and start getting curious about them, we stop fighting against our partners and start fighting for the relationship. In North Carolina, where we are building a more inclusive understanding of mental health, your relationship can be a sanctuary—a place where you don’t have to mask, you just have to translate.
