“Hate the sin, love the sinner.” “Pray the gay away.” “It’s just a phase.”
If you grew up LGBTQ+ in North Carolina, these phrases are likely burned into your memory. In the South, religion is not just a Sunday activity; it is the water we swim in. It dictates our laws, our school boards, and our family dynamics. For Queer and Trans people, this cultural immersion often results in a specific, deep-seated psychological wound known as Religious Trauma.
While the mental health conversation often focuses on anxiety or depression, for many North Carolinians, the root cause is Spiritual Abuse. This article validates the pain of growing up queer in the Bible Belt and offers a roadmap for healing, boundary-setting, and finding a community that actually loves you—not just the “sinner” version of you.
What is Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS)?
Religious Trauma is not an official diagnosis in the DSM-5 yet, but it is widely recognized by trauma-informed therapists across the state. It occurs when a person struggles with leaving a controlling religion and dealing with the damage of indoctrination.
For LGBTQ+ folks, RTS often manifests as:
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Chronic Shame: The deep, unshakable feeling that you are inherently “bad” or “dirty,” even after you have come out and accepted yourself intellectually.
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Hypervigilance: Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Believing that if you are happy, God will “punish” you.
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Delayed Adolescence: If you spent your teens and 20s praying away your sexuality, you might feel like you are going through puberty at 30. This is normal.
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Somatic Symptoms: Nausea or panic attacks when entering a church, hearing hymns, or even smelling “church” smells (old wood, incense).
The “Nice” Homophobia of the South
In North Carolina, homophobia often doesn’t look like a picket sign. It looks like “Southern Hospitality.” It is polite. It brings you a casserole while voting against your right to marry.
This covert aggression is often harder to heal from than overt hatred because it messes with your reality testing.
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Gaslighting: “We love you so much, we just want you to be holy.”
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The “Bless Your Heart” Trap: When family members frame their rejection as concern for your soul.
Affirming therapy helps you distinguish between intent and impact. Your grandmother may intend to save your soul, but the impact is that she is dismantling your mental health. You are allowed to protect yourself from the impact, regardless of the intent.
Navigating Family and Holidays
The question we hear most often in our practice is: “Do I have to go home for Thanksgiving?”
The answer is No.
However, if you choose to go, you need a Safety Plan.
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The “Topic Pivot”: Decide ahead of time which topics are off-limits (your transition, your partner, politics). Practice a script: “I love you, but I’m not discussing this today. Pass the potatoes, please.”
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The Escape Hatch: Always have your own transportation. Never let yourself be parked in. If you feel unsafe, you need the physical agency to leave.
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The Bookend Call: Schedule a call with a safe, affirming friend immediately before you enter the house and immediately after you leave. This helps you re-regulate your nervous system.
Deconstruction: Losing Your Community
Leaving a high-control faith community is terrifying because it often means losing your entire social support system. In the South, the church is often where you find your job, your babysitter, and your softball league. Leaving means isolation.
This void is dangerous. It makes people vulnerable to returning to toxic environments just to feel “known.”
Finding “Chosen Family” in NC Healing requires replacing the toxic community with a safe one. North Carolina has a thriving, resilient network of Chosen Families.
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Affirming Faith Spaces: If you still hold to your faith, know that Affirming Churches exist. Look for congregations listed on GayChurch.org or those that fly the Progress Pride Flag. In NC, denominations like the UCC (United Church of Christ), ELCA Lutherans, and many Episcopal parishes are explicitly affirming.
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Secular Spaces: Organizations like Time Out Youth (Charlotte), the LGBT Center of Raleigh, and Tranzmission (Asheville) offer support groups that function as secular sanctuaries.
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The “Third Places”: Look for queer-owned coffee shops, bookstores (like Firestorm Books in Asheville), and sports leagues. These are the modern sanctuaries where you can exist without explaining yourself.
The Role of Therapy in Deconstruction
Therapy for religious trauma is not about telling you what to believe. It is about autonomy. It is about reclaiming your moral compass from an external authority and placing it back inside yourself. It is about learning that your body is not an enemy to be conquered, but a home to be inhabited.
In the South, rebelling against the cultural current is exhausting. But you are not the only one swimming upstream. There is a whole flotilla of us out here, waiting to welcome you.
Resource List for NC:
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Equality NC: For political advocacy and community rights.
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Campaign for Southern Equality: For medical and legal resources.
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The Reclamation Collective: For specific support groups regarding religious trauma.
